Saturday, October 9, 2010

Frustrations of a Daily Commuter

Long long time ago man invented the wheel and there was a revolution (Pun Unintended). On second thought, I always wonder why is it called inventing the wheel and not discovering the wheel? I mean come on, circular objects would've existed since long and making them roll was just common sense.

Man's desire to go from Place A to Place B in less time and with minimal effort prompted him in putting a few wheels together. Like someone said, "The guy who invented the wheel was an idiot but the guy who invented the other three was a genius." Though some would beg to differ, so let me add here that the guy who put 2 wheels together was God :D


Well, my own set of wheels took some time coming. Until then I had to rely on the set of wheels dedicated for picking up and dropping school children (until I was in school) and those marked for public, a.k.a, public transport.

Travelling in school bus was fun as you know who your fellow travellers are (and they are the same everyday), you know how long will the journey take and where the bus will stop and how many people will get in or get off. My school bus used to pick up and drop kids to 3 different schools, so all the seats used to be occupied. Now picture a city bus (the red lines and blue lines), multiply the number of people by 5, all of them wrestling with you for space. So much so, that at all times u have to keep your lungs filled with air, you breathe out and it creates enough space in the bus for 2 more people to get in. I had to endure this for close to 4 years of my life which I spent studying engineering (60 KMs every day). Once there were so many people around me that neither my hands were holding anything nor my feet were on the floor, i was being supported by people pressing against me. Let me assure you, it was not a pleasant feeling at all. I still have nightmares about "that" day.

I was lucky to land a job very close to my home. So close, that I used to go home for lunch during the 1 hour lunch break. My 1987 model Bajaj Chetak took me to work. And every single day the parking lot security guard used to ask me "This old scooter doesn't look good on you. Why don't you buy a bike?" I thought maybe this guy is interested in buying my scooter, that is why he is after my life. One day about 8 months later, I decided to buy a Bajaj Pulsar and asked this guy, "I am gonna get a new bike tomorrow, do u wanna buy my scooter?" and nonchalantly he replied "Arre nahi, Kabaadi ko bech do" (sell it to a junk dealer). This was a WTF moment for sure!!!

I was lucky enough to enjoy the 3KM work-home distance for a good 3 years. Then I got a job in Bangalore and everyone knows that the distance is not measured in Kilometers there, it is measured in terms of time. The scaling is something like 6KMs equals a little more than an hours time on the road. So the less said the better.

Regular readers of this blog must be aware of my frustration regarding my travel to Gurgaon from Noida about 2 year ago. There used to be hell-a-lot of traffic and to make matters interesting, all the flyovers in that route were being constructed. And once they were done and before I could drive on them my company moved to Faridabad.

En route Faridabad there comes a crossing which is like a BLACK HOLE for automobiles. It seems that during the peak hours all the cars and the buses in the world want to come and get stuck in that Jam. Its like Mecca of traffic jams. And as always, the responsibility of supervising the construction of a huge flyover was bestowed upon me. Man, standing at 1 place for 3 to 4 hours at a stretch was a norm. And you know whats funny now?? My company is moving back to Gurgaon. I guess they want me to take some new road construction project. I can officially call myself the Supervisor of Construction of Flyovers!!!

I don't know how many years I have spent on the road. Sometime being stuck in the jam made me feel that I have aged a few years. But I have learnt to take all this in my stride and I look at it like something that can be looked back on and can be laughed upon.

All said and done, I have something to add here : GOD!! I can give an arm and a leg for Working From Home!!! Is anyone listening???

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Tareekh Pe Tareekh

For the last 2 months I have been driving around with a sheet of paper in my wallet which somewhat resembles the "American Declaration of Independence" that Nicholas Cage steals in National Treasure. Thanks to the multiple folds and exposure to moisture, I am afraid that this sheet will unfold only once now. Well, this sheet is my make-shift driving license from the time cops (oh yes, I am their favourite child) took my "actual" license away. My offence, you may ask, was that my PUC Cetrificate had expired. (Of course, my vehicles'. Good Lord, human beings dont have to have a Pollution under Control certificate... well, lets not get into it)

17th July was the day when I had to appear in court for my hearing. Being exposed to a plethora of court scenes since childhood (In Movies, where else??) I was expecting it to be "Objection My Lord vs Objection Over-Ruled/ Objection Sustained" kind of a situation but to my disappointment it wasn't to be. Like a VIP is welcomed by hordes of people when he arrives at a function, I too was welcomed by a few people but only thing missing was the red carpet. As I parked the car, the parking wala was like "license lene aaye ho? 1000 Rs dedo, hum nikalwa denge" next was the security, "Judge sahab aaj chutti pe hai, bas 2000 mein aapka kaam kar denge". Without paying much heed to whatever they had to say I moved on towards the courtroom.

The "courtroom" was just a small shack kind of a thing having a couple of tables with tea marks over them, a few cup-boards falling over each other, an empty chair where the judge sits when he is present, another table where the reader sat and tonnes of files and papers strewn here and there. I was sure that even the furniture must've learnt a trick or two in taking a bribe.

There was a lawyer, with the sarkari-est look. One look at him and you would know that he could sleepwalk to SAB TV studio and grab a role in Office-Office without an audition. He saw me and he would've thought in his mind "mil gaya bakra". Only question I asked him was, "is the judge going to come today?" and then had I not interrupted him after he blabbered about various charges against me for about 10 minutes, he would've definitely asked me to pay for NOT wearing a helmet while driving the car or worse, the guy sitting next to me in the car at the time of challan should've been wearing a helmet too. The funniest thing he said was, "aapka to 2000 Rs challan katega hi, aur gaadi aapke father ke naam pe hai to unka bhi 2000 Rs ka challan katega. Nikaliye 4000 Rupaye". What the @#$%!!!

After giving up on the court, while I was walking towards my car, the security guard was like "kaam nahi hua na?? achcha chalo 1500 mein aapka kaam kar denge" and the parking wala "bataya tha na sahab, chaliye 800 de dijiye". God help those who get caught in this web.


So, a couple of phone calls later I decided to get the Declaration of Independence stamped by the reader in the court for the next date, which is still a month away. And the poor Challan sheet gets to stay in my wallet for a few more days. And I am pretty darn sure that on 20th August the Judge will have a hard time in putting all the pieces of the challan together. That'll be my way of getting back at the system and to rub it in, I will ask him if he has a cello tape handy... ;)

PS: And if I dont get my license on that day too, this is what I am gonna say (Note: to be imagined in Sunny Deol's Voice)

Tareekh pe Tareekh, Tareekh pe Tareekh, Tareekh pe Tareekh, Tareekh pe Tareekh....Judge sahab agli baar na to license milega aur na hi license lene wala. Bas reh jayegi to sirf Tareekh.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Dont know what to Write about...!!

There comes a time when days go by
and you dont know what to write,
banging your head on the walls,
to scribble something that seems right.

Then you look back on the time since your last post,
you reflect on the events that went by,
and you wonder in amazement that,
the time really did fly.

Trying to go one up on the last "funny" story,
putting undue pressure on yourself,
to come up with something that would create history,
but instead you end up with something that makes you feel sorry.

A couple of trips here and there, a few movies now and then,
You think, haven't I written about them before, so why should I write again?
Getting caught by a traffic cop again, and not involving any money,
but not every time can a cop story be funny.

A few ideas do pop up once in a while,
to elaborate on them, leaves you clueless,
and you do what is easier and still worthwhile,
so they end up being your Facebook status.

Not knowing what to write,
you think of writing something totally random,
you just put a few lines together,
and make it look like a crappy poem.

Monday, April 5, 2010

A Tale of Two Tickets

Read the following two stories. One having a SAD ending and the other one with a HAPPY one. These stories contain so many emotions that they can be made into an awesome Bollywood potboiler. Curious?? Read on...

Story - 1

Driving can be fun. Driving can be exhilarating. Driving can give you an ultimate thrill. Driving is known to bring out sides in people which they didn't know existed. Whizzing past the traffic, leaving all the cars behind, driving at speeds which makes everything else seem stationary is something that every driver yearns for. All this is great until a cop stops you by jumping in front of your car like someone's shaking you and waking you up from a beautiful dream, and saying, "dude welcome back to earth"!!!

That's exactly what happened with me a couple of weeks ago. NO i am not a traffic cop and I dont even go about jumping in front of fast cars just to get the kicks out of it. I am a law abiding citizen of this country who sticks by all the laws only to break a few of them when I have to reach office on time.

Well yeah, it was a lazy Saturday morning I was rolling on my bed when it struck me that I work 6 days a week. A frenzied 15 minutes later I was still groggy eyed but ready to leave for office. Everything seemed to be the same as it had been for every single day for past 8 months. Only thing that was different was there were so many traffic cops on the road it seemed that the whole of the police station had decided to come out for a stroll. I was driving at my usual speed (or maybe less.. 68KMPH to be precise) and there jumped a man wearing White and Blue in front of my car. Thank god my old warhorse of a car has decent brakes else it would've been the last thing that cop did. Escorting me to the side of the road he politely asked me to get off. And here is the conversation:

Cop : Gaadi side me laga lo aur license nikalo. Aap speed kar rahe they.
Me (handing him the license) : #@$%!! Whatever that means!! (Speed kar rahe they???)
Cop: Challan katega. 400 ka. Insurance dikhao..
Me: (realising that insurance papers are missing.. In a sweet voice) : Kya baat hai? Aaj itne policewale ek saath??
Cop (giving me the topic-mat-change-karo look) : 400 Rs.
Me: Handing over the money and taking the receipt and dissappearing in a flash (doing more than 68KMPH)

Phew!! There comes the first blemish on the clean driving slate of mine. One mark in 10 years of driving is still pretty good I guess.



Story - 2

It seemed it was a day to break all land speed records. A day where I could've given Micheal Schumacher a run for his money on Indian roads on a bike. The usual 60-70 minutes of office to home distance took me just 35 minutes. Why was I in such a hurry?? I was going to cheer for my Delhi IPL Team at Ferozshah Kotla.

Reaching home I didnt even have time to bask in the glory. I had another lap to cover. Changed into casuals and I was off again. I still had a good 2 hours before the match but the friend I was watching the match with, insisted on reaching the stadium one day before the match ;). Oh yes, the cop story again.

Cops have a certain liking for guys on 2 wheelers. I think they have a 2 wheeler fetish. If you have been stopped by Cops and even if you have all the papers in place, you GOT TO pay. If you are really low on luck, you may even be fined for not carrying your Ration Card, Credit Card statements, Birth Certificate and maybe even Marriage Certificate (this applies even to bachelors).

In my quest to reach the stadium on time (which was way before time actually), I jumped a red-light and voila there was a cop. And here is what went between us,

Cop: Red light jump ki hai aapne. Dangerous driving + Red light jumping ka challan katega. 1100 Rs.
Me: Arey Dilli police hoke mujhe rok rahe ho. Main Dilli ka match dekhne jaa raha hoon. Aap chahte nahi ho ki Dilli jeete?
Cop (smiling) : Haan isliye to bol raha hoon, jaldi 1100 Rs do aur jao.
Me: Dekh lo aur kuch ho sakta ho to. (9 out of 10 times bribing works)
Cop: Aap batao kitna doge?
Me: Mere paas 550 bucks hai. 500 ki match ki ticket hai, aage ka aap dekh lo.
Cop: Itna mehenga ticket!!! Ghar pe kyun nahi dekhte?
Me: Stadium mein dekhne ka mazaa hi kuch aur hai.
Cop: Lao 50 Rs lao aur jaldi jao, match start hone wala hoga.
Me (sporting a sad expression) : 500 Rs ticket ke hai and 50 Rs mere khane ke. Aapne woh le liye, ab main kya khaoonga :(
Cop: Arey aisi baat mat karo. Aur yeh lo - Hands me a 100 Rs note :D

Some Traffic Cops also have a heart and I got to experience it first hand that day. I probably am the first one to take money from a cop.

And this my dear friends was A Tale of Two Tickets...

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Kitne Dialogue They...??

Note: This post is inspired by an article that appeared in Times of India. This isn't a word to word reproduction of the same article but my take on the topic.

With the "note" part done, I can now proceed onto the business end (or the beginning) of this post without much fear about plagiarism and copyright issues. I had this thought at the back of my mind since a long time but it took an article in the newspaper to get me to write about it.

Being a movie buff, I have a knack of quoting lines from movies in appropriate situations. This is funny for those who know these lines but those who don't, give me a do-you-expect-us-to-laugh? looks, most of the times my sister does that to me and the best part is that she knows what I am talking about. Well, without much ado lets us get to the topic. There have been innumerable movies that have left an indelible mark on me. Here is a list of few famous dialogues from a few of them:

1) Mogambo Khush Hua - Mr. India (1987) :
The first true blue, Made in India Sci-Fi movie had this larger than life villain who immortalised this oft-repeated line in the film. Such was Amrish Puri's prowess as an actor that he never said the line the same way twice.

My Take : Does using one's name in 3rd person have an intimidating effect?? Oh and by the way, Kartik never uses this line...ever ;)

2) Sara Shehar Mujhe 'Loin' ke naam se Jaanta hai - Kalicharan (1976):
The Subhash Ghai film did wonders for Shatrughan Sinha but it made Ajit one of the most popular villains of all time in Indian Cinema. The letters of LION read backwords spelt NO 17, an important clue in the flim. This is the movie that gave birth to the Galaxy of Ajit jokes, thanks to the accent and the nasal tang. Does Mona Darling ring any bell??

My Take : Firstly whats with him saying LOIN instead of LION, did the director even realise what LOIN means?? Thank god Ajit was properly dressed in the movie and we should thank Subhash Ghai for not making him wear a loincloth.
PS: I wonder if Himesh Reshammiya was conceived during the making/screening of this movie..

3) Mere Paas Maa Hai - Deewar (1975):
The famous scene where Amitabh Bachchan goes on ranting random lines about possessing random stuff (read Gaadi, Bangla, Bank Balance and what not) and Shashi Kapoor, listening to AB reciting lines from reams and reams written by Salim-Javed, seals the verbal duel by these four words. Game, Set and Match - Shashi Kapoor.

My Take : I just remembered this joke.

AB: Mere paas Buldingein hai, property hai, bank balance hai, gaadi hai. Tumhare paas kya hai?
SK: Mere paas bhi Buldingein hai, property hai, bank balance hai, gaadi hai.
AB: Arey!!! To Maa kiske paas hai???

4) Kitne Aadmi They - Sholay (1975):
The dialogues of this movie are famous to such an extent that it will not be surprising if somebody knows the dialogue but doesnt know the name of this film. Every single word that comes out of the paan chewing mouth of Gabbar Singh is immortal. Those who still dont believe me can search for Sholay on Youtube and be amazed by the number of spoof videos that show up.

My Take: So much fun has already been made of Sholay and its dialogues that its not funny. I remember this Raju Shrivastav's stand up act where Gabbar is Old and nobody obeys him anymore.

Gabbar asks Kalia: "Arey Kalia, tune bataya nahi kitne aadmi they"
Kalia : Kidhar??
Gabbar: Arey kal tum teeno kahin gaye they, yahan 3 ghode nahi they. Kya karoon kuch batao, Khali haath laute ho, shabashi doon. arey kuch to batao!!
Kalia: Tum jaante nahi ho.. humein bhej dete ho, yahan chale jao, wahan chale jao. Hum jaan bachake laute hai. Wahan Do aadmi they aur dono mamooli aadmi nahi they. Ek Sunny Deol ka baap tha aur Doosra ABCL ka chairman tha. ROFL!!!

5) Tumhe Kya Lagta Hai...Main Roz Is Takiye pe Baithta Hoon?? - Dil Chahta Hai (2001):
The movie that changed movie making in bollywood forever. The more I watch it the more I love it. This too had so many amazing lines but the one above was one of the funniest. Saif Ali Khan in his trademark style made these lines even more funny.

My Take: Dont have much to say about this dialogue but post this movie every Gori chick is "Christine". :D

6) I'll be Back - Terminator (1984)
Probably the most recognized phrase to come out of Hollywood. You listen to these lines and you immediately think of the Cyborg version of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

My Take: I included this line here coz there is a joke that I would like to share.
Once Steven Spielberg decides to make a historical musical docudrama starring all action heroes. He calls Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold. Everyone gets to choose what role one wants to play. So,
Stallone : I'll play Mozart.
Bruce Willis : I'll play Beethoven.
Arnold (striking a terminator pose) : I'll be BACH!!

There are so many other ones that I would like to quote here but it'll only make this blog too long. So people, please contribute to this post. This area is for me to write, so I have the comments section for you to put in your thoughts and comments.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Yeh Dilli hai mere yaar..

Dad being in defence services used to get tranferred every 2-3 years. Every transfer brought excitement to life as packing and unpacking was the best part about transfers. Yeah and there was a flip side too, having to lose all your friends. But well, that's not what I am gonna write about here.

I was 10 when I came to know that my dad was being transferred to Delhi. My happiness knew no bounds. This time there was a different kind of an excitement because we had to move to a city which had the biggest amusement park in the country, "Appu Ghar". Yes that was the only thing I was looking forward to.

Thus began our never ending train journey from Vishakhapatnam to New Delhi . I had no idea that Delhi was this far, it took 2 full days. So long it took that I was tempted to ask my mom if dad had gotten tranferred into the train...!!!

All excited about setting my foot on Sarzameen-e-Dilli, I got down from the train only to find that it was some random place called Hazrat Nizamuddin. I was like lets board the train again before it leaves... This isnt the place!!! But when I was told that this is where we were supposed to get off, I was utterly disappointed. I mean who wants to live in a place called Hazrat Nizamuddin after you have spent the last couple of weeks dreaming of living in New Delhi???

Stepping out of the station I was taken aback by the sheer scale of the city. Everything I set my eyes on seemed to be moving in its own way. Such was the hustle bustle of this city that I instantly fell in love with it. And finally it sunk in that we had moved to the capital and not to a random place.

I spent the first year of my life in Delhi living in Vasant Kunj. The now posh and upmarket locality was just a budding colony then. Rather a mere collection of discreet localities between Vasant Vihar and Mehrauli. Vasant Kunj was the place where neighbours hardly spoke to each other, let alone celebrate community Holis and Diwalis. We seemed isolated in that place. Qutub Minar and a fleeting glimpse of peacocks dancing in rain visible from my room window were the only things good about that place. School was about 10 KM from home and it seemed to be at the other end of the city. Missing the school bus was biggest fear as I used to leave home at 06:30 AM and in winter it was more of a pain. Winter was too cold and summer was the hottest I had ever experienced. The charm of Delhi was slowly fading away.

As I was growing up, the city grew around me too. Second year on, it was new place, new friends, and a new feel about the city. I slowly started to understand the dynamics of the city. Travelling in crowded public transport, shopping in markets where people fall over each other in festival season and even otherwise, having the awesome food that is available in abundance that you can die eating and still keep eating in your after-life, going through the widest and best of the roads in South Delhi, enjoying the cool breeze against your face in the evenings in summer, feeling the warm sun basking in winters, striking a conversation with absolute strangers, watching innumerable kites flying (around Independence day) which seem like colourful confetti falling from the sky, being awestruck by the sheer brilliance of the architecture (Rashtrapati Bhawan and the surrounding areas), circling the Connaught Circus by foot hundreds of times and I can go on and on about the city. All the stuff that I had hated about Delhi in the beginning , seeing them in a different light, made me fall in love with Delhi and every passing day I loved the city more.

I believe the city you grow up in has a major role to play in your development as a person. So I owe a lot to my being in Delhi for being the person I am. The city that gave me friends, the city that gave me memories to cherish, the city that I feel I am a part of, is the city that I call my Home.

Delhi turned out to be a lot more than just Appu Ghar. It became my home. It became a part of me as much as I am a part of it. I have been to and have lived in a lot of other cities but in the end I belong to where my heart belongs and that is Saddi Dilli.

Yeh Dilli hai mere yaar.. Bas Ishq Mohabbat Pyar...

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

All that Jazz....

First post of 2010.

Yeah, Happy New Year and all that jazz!! I dont know why but sending countless mails (starting with Dear all), innumerable SMSes and Greetings is not my thing. So for all those whom I didnt wish a Happy New Year, I did just that in the first line (not that they'll read this post or something, but still..).

Looking back at 2009, it hasnt been a bad year at all. Yeah, not at all. Cant recollect a single event or happening that made me sad. I did so much of all that I love to do and I wanted to do, I think a lot of people dont do that in their lifetime. What all happened with me?? read on:

  1. I almost got laid off - Only to be picked up before I got laid off, that too at a higher pay
  2. Went on THE RIDE of MY LIFE - Have kept and will keep talking about it!!!
  3. Reunited with long lost friends - Time has gained pace since.
  4. Also met school buddies, and I was the tallest among them - Known me since 10 years??? and you know what am saying.
  5. Made new friends - Increase in the diameter of the social circle is directly proportional to the increase in Fun.
  6. Travelled - Agra, Bhubaneshwar, Puri, Konark, Mysore, Bangalore, Dalhousie, Amritsar, Rishikesh, Haridwar, Shimla, Manali, Ranthambore, Spiti Valley to name a few places visited.
  7. Movies and loads of them - From the biggest hits to the collossal disappointments. Almost like a movie a week and sometimes 2 or 3 movies a week.
  8. Watched Sholay @ PVR - Since its SHOLAY it needs a special numbered topic of its own. And watching it on the big screen is a significant achievement. Period.
  9. Started working out - Made a resolution and stuck to it. Proud of myself.
  10. Bought a House - Have a Housing Loan on my name
  11. Ate and ate - Never in a year I have had so much food. I mean who goes to Amritsar from Dalhousie (it takes 5-6 hours) just to have Kulchas???
  12. Didnt do a lot of stuff I wanted to - didnt learn to play guitar, didnt fall in love, didnt go to Goa, and there is a lot more.

Well, not a bad year, wasnt it?? 2010 seems promising, so just seeing it unfold day by day is exciting. So here's wishing this Year brings loads of luck, happiness and excitement in our lives and all that jazz.....